How Grief Has Taught Me

I experienced someone I loved dearly pass away and had no idea how difficult the grief would be to navigate afterwards. I thought that I was preparing myself for the loss during the long journey of cancer treatments. What I found was that I didn’t know how to deal with my pain and anguish. I found that I lost my appetite, could not sleep through the night, was always distracted and had a difficult time focusing on life around me. I also found that life was a chore and that some days were better than others but each day was a challenge to maneuver through while not realizing it was caused by my grief.

On March 8, 2018, I lost my mother who suffered from Multiple Sclerosis for 40 years. My heart was broken but she also left behind my father who lost his soulmate and half of his heart. He prays daily that he can go and be with my mother. His grief and pain continues because he admits that he would feel guilty if he let the grief go and not focus on my mother on a daily basis. So I continue to support him where he is at and not force him through his grief journey.

I have walked the journey of losing two children to miscarriages and had no idea how to handle myself afterwards because society made me feel like those pregnancies were not important so I needed to pull myself together and return to work the next day as if those pregnancies never existed and those children never existed.

Three years ago, as I was forced to move my parents into a facility, I was left to prepare and sell my family home. The home where my parents raised five children in good and bad times. Now, I had no choice but to sell the home and hand it over to a stranger. I had so many levels of grief from my parents health deteriorating to their home being sold to strangers that I thought I would never get through such a sad time. But I managed to take care of business and work through my grief thanks to the Grief Recovery Method.

I have had three children go away to college and then off into the workforce which took them away from me. One moved to another country. The empty nest syndrome is very real and difficult. I have had to find my new identity as a mother of adult children who are now independent and living far away from me.

I had the unfortunate experience of taking our golden lab and my mother’s therapy dog, Ellie Mae in for her annual checkup and leaving without her. Sometime between my short trip to the veterinarian’s office, Ellie began to have difficulty breathing and as it turned out it was a terminal condition and that it had been exacerbated by Ellie getting in and out of my car, I was overwhelmed with guilt. After the diagnosis and decision was made, I called my family to come and say goodbye. How quickly grief came and engulfed my family.

These are just a few of the various losses that I have experienced throughout my lifetime. Many more deaths, divorces and losses have occurred but this is a variety of the losses that can occur in your life. Just because I have not listed your specific loss does not mean that I cannot help you through your specific loss.

As I worked with others who had lost their loved ones while on hospice, I found that they too did not know how to handle the pain and loss known as grief. So many times the hospice experience ends and so does the team that you have worked with leaving you to start with strangers as you try to find yourself through this ocean of grief. Watching a long standing marriage dissolve due to infidelity or finances and not being able to help stop the bleeding before it is too late I found difficult as well. As a social worker for 30 years and after watching so many people around me suffer from some form of loss, I decided to focus my energies on developing my knowledge of grief and loss. I had already experienced a number of losses and understood that grief can be all encompassing. I wanted to learn how to help move myself and others through the grief journey with support and guidance. There is no magic to making the pain go away and avoiding it can only cause the grief to fester and grow to the point of destroying lives, relationships and faith.

I immersed myself in the study of grief and found the Grief Recovery Method and worked through my own grief and was so overwhelmed by the program I became a Certified Grief Therapist. During this journey, I have had the privilege of working with people who thought they had lost their world due to a loss and over time came out of the fire of grief to emerge into a new beginning that they made their own. Working with people walking the journey of grief are the true teachers that I have learned from over the years. Walking the journey with those who have lost someone or something very important to them are the ones that have taught me that you can survive grief.

Now, I only focus on adults who are grieving a loss. Parents, guardians, and teachers who touch the lives of children who are grieving their own loss. Pet owners who have lost their best friend and companion in life and so many more who have lost that special someone or something in their lives.

Helping people find their new self on their journey is a challenge that has great rewards on the other side. Then if they choose we go further with life coaching in defining new goals and paths for their journey.

Defining Grief – Everyone Responds Differently

• Jan 10, 2017

• Steve Moeller

It would be wonderful if grief was like math. When you look at a series of numbers that you are adding together, the answer is always the same. Two different people can add the same list of numbers, and the answer will always be the same, assuming they added correctly. Once you learn the basics of addition, finding the answer is not difficult.

Grief is not the same for everyone!

Unfortunately, grief is not like that. Grief is based on emotions. Grief is based on your personal relationship to who or what was lost. Each person and relationship is different, which means that how we deal with each loss will be different as well.

This is particularly evident when you look at family members who experienced the same loss. It is not unusual to hear one family member say of another, “they are just not grieving right”! Since each relationship is different, even in the same family, each person’s response to that loss will be different as well.

One family member may throw themselves into their work, even seeking overtime hours, as a way to take their mind off the loss. Another member of the same family may find it hard to get out of bed in the morning. Does this mean that one is right and the other wrong? No, it just means that they are dealing with their grief differently.

In cases of parents who have lost a child, you might find one family member that brings up the child’s name in nearly every sentence, while the other avoids voicing that name. Does this mean that one parent cared more about the child than the other? No. Again, this is just another example of different coping mechanisms.

This is the trouble with defining grief: everyone responds differently. This may be based on the examples presented to them as a child. It may be due to the perceived differences of how they think they need to respond as a man or woman. It is also due the differences in our individual relationships to who or what was lost from our lives.

Just because others respond differently, does not mean that they are not hurting as well.

Unfortunately, many people are not aware that each of us responds differently to each loss, and there is often a perception that others in the family did not care as much as we did. This is one of the reasons that some families seem to fall apart after a loss.

Rather than fighting over how others are coping or arguing over who is hurting the most, a better solution would be to accept that each is hurting and coping in their own private way and that the best thing to do is take action to move forward.

This sounds easy on the face of it, but requires a change of mindset. It involves changing a familiar behavior pattern of assuming that we are right in how we respond to situations and that others who respond differently are wrong. It requires a focus on taking action to be able to enjoy fond memories of the past, rather than worrying about a future that is different than the one we had planning. It takes courage!

Taking the right action can make things better for everyone.

Grief recovery is not something that you can do alone. It requires finding a Grief Recovery Specialist to assist you in either a one-on-one setting or in a group. This will offer you the opportunity to put voice behind your feelings, as part of taking recovery action, without fear of analysis, criticism, or judgment.

While you might think that you can simply buy a Grief Recovery Handbook and work on it together as a family, we often find that there is a fear of how others might respond to what you feel you need to say. That fear may come from responses you have had in the past when expressing those feelings. That fear will likely cause you to hold back from honestly saying the important things that must be said as part of taking recovery action.

Working with a Specialist to guide you through this process, whether one-on-one or in a group, will provide you with a safe environment to move through the emotional pain of this loss. If you elect to join a group, you will still have the opportunity to express your feelings out of earshot of your other family members, so that there will be no worry as to how they might interpret what you honestly need to say.

The key thing to remember is that everyone’s grief is different, even with a shared loss, and that rather than letting that pain hinder ongoing relationships, you have the option of taking recovery action.

I Did It Again

Yesterday, I ran to the grocery store to pick up something to throw in the crock pot for dinner that night and then get to the office to see clients. I was in a hurry and was trying to keep track of my time. After I loaded my groceries on the belt I stepped down to the cashier and simply asked, “How are you doing today?”, I got a very flat “Fine” from the cashier, not believing her I asked a second time, “Sounds like you have are having a busy day, will it get better?”, She stopped and finally looked at me for the first time, I did not break eye contact. She could see that I was being sincere so I broke the silence by asking her again “How are you doing today, I inserted her name from her name badge?” It was at that point that she must have believed that I was being sincere, that’s all it took for her to open up about a personal loss that she was struggling with all the while she continued to ring up my groceries. As we finished, I noticed that she had tears in her eyes. The store was not busy at that time of the morning so after I paid for my groceries I simply asked her if I could give her a hug. She was stunned at first but then walked around her station and I gave her a big hug, I told her I was so sorry for her loss and that I really appreciated her hug. She wiped her eyes, smiled and thanked me over and over again for taking the time to listen to her and that she was feeling better. Now this whole process took an addition 2-3 minutes. That’s all it took for her to feel a little better because she had shared her story. My kids hate when I do this because they are always standing there waiting on their mother who once again made someone cry. My 14 year old, just lowers her head and says “here we go again”.

There is a quote: “A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face”. (Unknown)
So many times when we are going through a difficult time, we try to cover up the pain that we are experiencing. Why do we hide our pain? Stop and think of a time that you were walking down a hallway at work or in the grocery store and someone said to you “How’re you doing?” yet never made eye contact or even looked your way. Have you ever caught yourself doing this to someone else? We usually respond with a simple “Fine” keep walking put on a fake smile and not even visually acknowledge the person. Sometimes, we are going through a difficult time and don’t share our pain because we feel that people don’t really care. We know that they are just asking to be polite because we are all guilty of doing this at one time or another. When we ask someone how they are doing, we don’t really expect to get an answer. Typically, we need to get somewhere, and it makes an awkward situation less awkward. Of course, we all want to come across like we care about the people around us. It is not that we are heartless or uncaring; it is that we live in our own world and getting from point A to point B can be a challenge.

But, what if we asked with a sincere heart, looked people in the eye and truly saw what they were experiencing at that moment. We have read it, heard it, lived it: “be nice to the person across from you because you never know what they are going through”. Is it something as tragic as a death, an illness, financial pressure, marital discord, a strained parent-child relationship? The list could go on and on, and in some cases you would never know that someone was having a difficult time. So, what if we slowed down, asked the question from an honest place in our heart, stopped and listened to the answer. What if their eyes revealed pain? What if we let them know, if they needed someone, we would be there for them when they are ready to talk. Or maybe just ask, “Can I give you a hug?” Pain, hurt and confusion all lead us down a path that can radiate through our eyes, mannerisms or facial expressions. If you don’t have the time to listen, then don’t ask that question. Maybe it is something as simple as a compliment or “Good to See You” that won’t hold you up if you don’t have the time.

The Academy Award could be given out to millions of people every day for portraying the opposite of how they actually feel. People smile so they don’t cry, they laugh when they don’t want to go through their painful story or know that it would make someone uncomfortable. So I would suggest that in times of concern that you might share with someone who says “How are you doing?” we respond honestly by stopping and looking that person in the eye and say, “Today is not such a great day, I don’t feel much like talking but I appreciate that you asked.”. Or, “I am feeling great today, thank you for asking.” What a difference that makes, being honest but only sharing what feels comfortable and right. You don’t have to make it right for the person who is having a bad day because you might not even have anything to do with their mood for the day but you can still impact their mood in a positive way by stopping, looking them in the eye, and let them know that you care and are there

Can you share a time that you were acting the part to hide the pain instead of sharing your story?

Speeding Through All The Wrong Places

This weekend while my youngest daughter, Joy, and I were heading down the interstate, we ran into construction. It was a beautiful day and we were not in a hurry, so we were taking our time. Since Joy will be of driving age next year, I find that it is very important to follow the driving laws and make sure that I explain things as we drive along. As we drove into the construction zone, I reviewed the signs, the speed limit and explained the importance of taking our time and not allowing others to rush us, which could result in potentially hitting a construction worker or receiving a hefty speeding ticket.

About that time a big white SUV drove up behind us and appeared not to like our speed. Because it was riding my bumper, I pointed out to Joy that this could lead to a serious accident, road rage and that I needed to get over. I explained this as I sped up from 45 to 50 in order to get ahead of the car next to me. I also told Joy it made me nervous to speed up in the construction zone since I didn’t want a ticket. I was able to move over quickly and the white SUV sped by us and continued to pick up speed. Once again, using this as a learning tool I explained to Joy that this person was being reckless by ignoring the rules, and the end result could be bad for this driver. Well, don’t you know that I could not have asked for a better ending: about a mile up the road, low and behold there was a State Trooper who got the white SUV. The whole incident reminded me of how the same is true in life and grief.

People who lose a loved one try hard to keep busy by rush through the grief. They refuse to give themselves permission to walk through the grief and instead try to ignore it by staying busy. The people who try to ignore and rush through their grief are the people that call me in crisis because the grief finally caught up with them. You can’t hide from the pain of grief, and that is why people try to keep busy so that they don’t have to feel the loneliness and pain. It is not that easy folks.

In the GRP, we stress that “keeping busy buries the pain of the loss under an avalanche of activity. No matter how busy you stay, at the end of the day, there’s still a hole in your heart and it is exhausting.” GRP also recognizes the most dangerous consequence of keeping busy and trying to rush through the pain is the idea that is will make you feel better. I can guarantee you that the driver of the SUV was not feeling better about intimidating vehicles when the driver received that ticket. Rushing through to get to the other side only leaves the door open for more negative consequences. This misinformation makes it much harder to move through grief and come out on the other side a stronger and more confident person with direction.

The moral of grief is to slow down, take your time and deal with the pain while walking through with someone by your side that will be there to hold you up when the waves are slapping you down. In the end you will not be drowning in grief but instead be able to breath and feel safe.

So do you have a story about speeding through your grief? If so please share your story.

The Storm

As I am writing this, Hurricane Matthew is tormenting and terrorizing so many small countries. Eventually, Matthew will reach the borders of the United States, but the exact direction has not been determined yet. Regardless, Hurricane Matthew will cause an immense amount of grief. I have some good friends who are visiting Haiti on a mission trip and will be riding out the storm because the airports are closed, so I pray for their safety as well as all of those who live in the path of this deadly storm.

On August 29, 2005, Katrina came barreling into the gulf coast region. New Orleans was in great danger since it is surrounded by water and is already 6 feet below sea level. The water eroded the soil under the levees, eventually sweeping them away. Thousands of people in some parishes scrambled to their roof tops and attics. In New Orleans alone, the Coast Guard rescued 34,000 people from their homes. Many of us have seen the pictures and heard the stories. This article is not about how the government handled the situation or who is to blame for late warnings and levee breaches; this is about the devastation and loss that lead to immense grief for the residents of the gulf coast.

I had the privilege of assisting those people who arrived in Indiana from the gulf coast resettle and find a safe haven until they could return. However, the most memorable part of my recovery effort was actually visiting New Orleans in an effort to restore a school and church right on Canal Street. I believe that I spent most of my time listening to the residents who remained or evacuated and came back tell their story. The loss of everything that they owned, worked for, items passed down from generations, graves destroyed and loved ones lost, violence and looting, fear of not surviving, failed attempts to reconnect with loved ones due to no communication and in some cases death was told over and over again from different perspectives. Thousands upon thousands experienced the same disaster, but every single individual was affected in a different way. People were transported by bus to airports and put on planes, not knowing their destination. Families separated not knowing when, or if, they would be reunited. What was once called home was gone, and they could not return due to their residence being condemned or the fact that there was nothing to return to.

I heard stories of people just trying to survive the hurricane. Two people clung to a tree for their lives while the wind and rain beat on them for hours. People realizing that the surge along the coast was greater than they expected; homes, cars and belongings being swept out into the Gulf. Winds causing homes and businesses to collapse. The marina in New Orleans looked like a toddler had come along and very carefully placed boats and yacht on top of one another (some even stood 5 boats tall). As the flooding took over and the levees gave way, people talked about how the water quickly rose in their homes. They tried to take precious items to a second story or attic for safe keeping just to realize they needed to climb onto their roofs to await rescue. During all of this, one question was repeated over and over: “How could this happen to me?” At first, they were thankful to be alive, but then the reality of what they had lost set in. They no longer had a loved one, a pet, a home, a car, a neighborhood, a place of employment, a bank, a church, etc. If they did have a home to return to, they did not have utilities to remain in those homes until repairs were complete. They could not call up their relatives or friends and ask for help because everyone was in the same situation, and there was no one to turn to. Even after the water receded and people began to return to their condemned homes, they discovered that the cemeteries had been affected—their loved one was gone, probably washed out to sea. Children had no school to return to; hospitals, doctors and dentists were all gone. The streets of New Orleans became a dangerous place due to increased gang activity, looting and no security. What compounded the loss for many was that there were places in New Orleans and along the gulf coast that did survive and were not destroyed by the storm or the flooding. The anger and resentment for many was just too much to bear, so they left. Rebuilding was too overwhelming for so many who had very little before the storm. Parents were scared: how would they continue to support their children without a job? Those on some type of disability or government program struggled to apply in another State without the proper ID, which was lost in the flood.

I volunteered to work for the Emergency Management for the State of Indiana when I heard about all of the refugees coming into our State with no direction. I heard in the voices of those calling for assistance the panic, anger, frustration and loss of identity as I spoke to each person who called for help. When I was able to go to New Orleans four months after Katrina, I saw how weary and tired many of those who had returned were. I also saw the resilience of those who had stayed or were returning to rebuild. They were proud of their home and determined to reclaim it from Katrina.

The loss was devastating. Five years later, families were still trying to locate family members who had left and not returned. The loss encompasses so many areas; it may be the only example I have that includes all 43 areas of loss leading to grief. New Orleans is an example of how grief works: it walked through the storm and suffered an insurmountable amount of losses; however, on the journey to rebuild and repair the damage, pain and hurt, it has come out of the storm stronger and its identity was strengthened due to the resilience of those that stayed behind and walked through the journey of loss and grief. Now, 11 years later, you can hardly tell that Katrina destroyed a significant area of New Orleans or the Gulf Coast.

Hurricane Matthew will cause significant loss, and not to compare loss but I believe that it will be greater than Katrina. Many people living in huts and depending on tarps to give them a sense of a home and to keep dry refuse to leave the little that they have obtained over the years. They are the ones in extreme danger. Their homes will likely be blown away or washed away in mudslides, and their lives will be put into danger due to high winds. I only hope that those going through the destruction hurricane Matthew is leaving behind can find the same strength to work through the grief and loss they will incur; I hope they will rebuild not only the physical damage but also work on the personal grief that they experience so they can emerge stronger, more resilient and able to move on, to rebuild for themselves and their families.

What has been your greatest storm and how did you weather the waves during that storm?