I Did It Again
Yesterday, I ran to the grocery store to pick up something to throw in the crock pot for dinner that night and then get to the office to see clients. I was in a hurry and was trying to keep track of my time. After I loaded my groceries on the belt I stepped down to the cashier and simply asked, “How are you doing today?”, I got a very flat “Fine” from the cashier, not believing her I asked a second time, “Sounds like you have are having a busy day, will it get better?”, She stopped and finally looked at me for the first time, I did not break eye contact. She could see that I was being sincere so I broke the silence by asking her again “How are you doing today, I inserted her name from her name badge?” It was at that point that she must have believed that I was being sincere, that’s all it took for her to open up about a personal loss that she was struggling with all the while she continued to ring up my groceries. As we finished, I noticed that she had tears in her eyes. The store was not busy at that time of the morning so after I paid for my groceries I simply asked her if I could give her a hug. She was stunned at first but then walked around her station and I gave her a big hug, I told her I was so sorry for her loss and that I really appreciated her hug. She wiped her eyes, smiled and thanked me over and over again for taking the time to listen to her and that she was feeling better. Now this whole process took an addition 2-3 minutes. That’s all it took for her to feel a little better because she had shared her story. My kids hate when I do this because they are always standing there waiting on their mother who once again made someone cry. My 14 year old, just lowers her head and says “here we go again”.
There is a quote: “A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face”. (Unknown)
So many times when we are going through a difficult time, we try to cover up the pain that we are experiencing. Why do we hide our pain? Stop and think of a time that you were walking down a hallway at work or in the grocery store and someone said to you “How’re you doing?” yet never made eye contact or even looked your way. Have you ever caught yourself doing this to someone else? We usually respond with a simple “Fine” keep walking put on a fake smile and not even visually acknowledge the person. Sometimes, we are going through a difficult time and don’t share our pain because we feel that people don’t really care. We know that they are just asking to be polite because we are all guilty of doing this at one time or another. When we ask someone how they are doing, we don’t really expect to get an answer. Typically, we need to get somewhere, and it makes an awkward situation less awkward. Of course, we all want to come across like we care about the people around us. It is not that we are heartless or uncaring; it is that we live in our own world and getting from point A to point B can be a challenge.
But, what if we asked with a sincere heart, looked people in the eye and truly saw what they were experiencing at that moment. We have read it, heard it, lived it: “be nice to the person across from you because you never know what they are going through”. Is it something as tragic as a death, an illness, financial pressure, marital discord, a strained parent-child relationship? The list could go on and on, and in some cases you would never know that someone was having a difficult time. So, what if we slowed down, asked the question from an honest place in our heart, stopped and listened to the answer. What if their eyes revealed pain? What if we let them know, if they needed someone, we would be there for them when they are ready to talk. Or maybe just ask, “Can I give you a hug?” Pain, hurt and confusion all lead us down a path that can radiate through our eyes, mannerisms or facial expressions. If you don’t have the time to listen, then don’t ask that question. Maybe it is something as simple as a compliment or “Good to See You” that won’t hold you up if you don’t have the time.
The Academy Award could be given out to millions of people every day for portraying the opposite of how they actually feel. People smile so they don’t cry, they laugh when they don’t want to go through their painful story or know that it would make someone uncomfortable. So I would suggest that in times of concern that you might share with someone who says “How are you doing?” we respond honestly by stopping and looking that person in the eye and say, “Today is not such a great day, I don’t feel much like talking but I appreciate that you asked.”. Or, “I am feeling great today, thank you for asking.” What a difference that makes, being honest but only sharing what feels comfortable and right. You don’t have to make it right for the person who is having a bad day because you might not even have anything to do with their mood for the day but you can still impact their mood in a positive way by stopping, looking them in the eye, and let them know that you care and are there
Can you share a time that you were acting the part to hide the pain instead of sharing your story?
